|
misbehaviours you can ignore, then - no talking, no looking, no touching - except perhaps to prevent children from hurting themselves or others. If possible, you might even leave the room. Parents tend to under-use the powerful tool of silence. (This also applies to teenagers: in the heat of an argument teenagers can scarcely hear you and you cannot be effective, so it helps to back off and arrange a time to talk.)
This does not mean accepting misbehaviour and doing nothing about it. Children who are troubled and misbehaving need their
carers to rescue them from the dead end they have got into. Limits need to be set around their misbehaviour. How you set these limits is explained in a simply written handbook (see below). You are already becoming effective, however, if you take away attention from misbehaviour and give good attention when it is not being demanded. In this way you are providing your children with the affection and encouragement they need, and you are no longer rewarding their
misbehaviour.
Each child is different, of course - and each parent is different - so what works for one child may not work for another. No one can tell you what will work best for your unique child. But taking a fresh approach often helps, especially something that allows you to ignore misbehaviour instead of rewarding it.
Number two, look after yourself
A. Lessen the stress.
The second suggestion for a parent when things are tough is to look after yourself. Children do not need stressed parents. If you do not deal with the anger and stresses and tensions in your own life, it is easy to take them out on a child. Maybe a first step is to settle for being a less than perfect parent and to say "no" to unnecessary guilt by doing some things you enjoy - swimming, reading, walking... It may help, too, to decide what is essential and what can be left out or postponed. But here are some ideas for coping with stress:
Ask for help when you need it - even something obvious like taking turns with another parent in minding each other's children so you can rest or get out for a while. You need to get out. You need some exercise and fresh air - make a point of getting outside regularly for a walk - even
with the children. You also need time on your own, preferably up to half an hour a day in a bath or with your feet off the ground, listening to your own kind of music, reading, focusing on your breathing, or doing whatever it is that relaxes you. And you need to meet other adults, particularly if you are a single parent - see if you can get out regularly with one or two friends, or even talk with them on the phone.
We have just seen that a time when you are annoyed is not a good time to act. When you are annoyed, then, it may help to count to ten before you say anything, or to say to yourself something like: "Relax," "Calm down," or "I'm okay." Or it may help to leave the room,
If you are finding things very tough, it is important to find skilled help before the situation gets worse, especially if you are tempted to abuse your child. You might try ringing Parentline and speaking to someone who is understanding there. The number is 0808 800 2222
B. If you have a partner...
If you are a couple, the demands of children may leave either or both of you stressed and impatient, with less energy for each other. A woman may have many of her needs for touch and cuddles met by a baby - while her partner buries himself in extra work, perhaps not even aware of his feelings of loneliness and jealousy. Many couples find a weekly 'date' helps - perhaps just getting out together for a walk or a drink in the local pub. You may find your child also becomes happier as a result.
|
|
