Noughts to sixes Session 2 - Why children misbehave

1.Icebreaker (10-15mins)
Last week was intro + agreements; worth a look if new. This week: why children misbehave.
In handbooks, clear that misbehaviour is not something children normally do on purpose; it just means unacceptable behaviour
To get to know each others names; why called what you are?

2. How we got on since last week (10-15mins)
Last week we planned to notice how we react when our child does something that upsets us. Let’s chat for a few minutes (in 2/3s) about how we got on and what’s been happening during the week.

3. Getting in touch (5-10mins)
Let’s look at this week’s topic. Turn to “Getting in touch” exercise on page 16. Read it out. Now chat in 2/3s about the list. Feedback.

4. Introducing the topic (10-15mins)
Play video. Chat about reaction to the video in pairs for one minute. Whole group.
Summary:
misbehaviour is attention seeking (whether conscious or not)

5. Case studies (10-15mins)
Turn to case studies on page 16, where there are two common situations that parents have to deal with. In each case, you are asked two questions, (read questions a and b). In 2/3s take about five minutes to discuss each of these situations.

6. Improving your skills (20-30mins)

a	Now we come to skills practise, so to start, would you all you’re your arms in front of your chest. It is interesting to note that we all have our own ways of being comfortable. Some of us have our right hands tucked in and some have their left. It’s the same with folding your hands in your lap. The purpose of this exercise is to show us how we act in unthinking patterned ways. Some of our automatic behaviour is unhelpful when it comes to parenting. We often react in a fixed way, perhaps the way our parents reacted to us.
b	So how do we change an unhelpful behaviour? Psychologists tell the first step is to become aware.
c	First, two volunteers are to act like squabbling children - who had it first, etc. Now a volunteer parent is to get sucked in and act in the way parents often do, scolding and trying to sort it out, but not effectively. Ask volunteers how they felt and group opinions. Can group see how children were rewarded for squabbling?
d	Now, same situation, but this time parent will not get sucked in and will be more effective. The parent is to withdraw and confidently and calmly say” I trust you to sort this out” or ”Give me the toy and when you’ve decided whose turn it is, come back to me”. Same questions. De-role.

7. Planning for next week (7-8mins)
There are three stages in making a change - seen first stage is awareness. Second is to make small, specific plan, preferably written. So turn to page 17, Planning section. Read Q1 and list. Write down plans. Talk about them, first in pairs

Third stage in making a change is obvious - practise. Reassure that it’s perfectly normal for new approach to feel unnatural and awkward to start with.

8. Summing up and feedback (5-10mins)
We’ve been looking at why children misbehave and what we can do to prevent it. Any feedback on how you found the session? What you liked or found helpful or anything you were uncomfortable with?
Thanks for your cooperation and willingness to share. Read chapter 2 (encouraging your child) for next week.

Noughts to sixes Session 3 - Encouraging your child

(Prime two members of the group)

1. Icebreaker (5mins)
Welcome. This weeks topic is Encouragment. Everyone to call themselves an encouraging adjective that begins with the same sound as their name, eg Jolly Jo. Next person to say “that’s Jolly Jo, and I’m ….” etc. [Do not allow negative adjectives!]

2. How we got on since last week (15-30mins)
Last week was about misbehaviour and we made some plans . Let’s chat for a few minutes (in 2/3s) about how you got on during the week. We don’t expect huge changes in one week - even an increase in awareness is great. After discussion open out to whole group.

3. Getting in touch (6-10mins)
Let’s look at this week’s topic. Turn to Table 2 on page 24. Read line 1 across the table. Ask everyone to read table for themselves. Read question. It’s OK if you mark the same thing on both sides. Now in different 2/3s chat for a few minutes about what you have ticked or how you feel about these ideas. Whole group: What did you find your weak points are? What times of day/situations bring out the worst in you for scolding and nagging?

4. Introducing the topic (10-15mins)
Show video. Chat in pairs about reaction to video.

5. Case studies (about 10mins)
Turn now to case studies on page 25, where there are a few situations where a child can be encouraged or discouraged. In groups of 3 or 4 go through each example, one at a time. Don’t go for just one solution each time; encourage each other to make suggestions. 10 minutes
Open out if appropriate.

6. Skills practise (20-25mins)**
We need to look now at the power of discouragement and encouragement. Use outgoing members of the group. Sarah here has just come home from the supermarket and her 3yr old [John] is enthusiastic wants to help her put the eggs in the fridge.

First time when child wants to help, he will refuse offers of help and be impatient. [The parent is off-putting, impatient and cross and tells the child to go off and do something else, but child still wants to help.] Stop when illustration of discouragement. Ask how both felt, especially child. “Pushed away”? “belittled”? We do that to our children, without even meaning to discourage.

Second time, parent will slow down and make time to train the child. They will lower expectations and be more positive and encouraging. Ask how both felt. Comments from group.

What seems to make all the difference is the conscious decision to slow down and be patient and encouraging. Group agree?

7. Planning (6-10mins)
Read question. Ask to write down. Talk in pairs about them.

8. Summing up and feedback (5-10mins)
We’ve been looking at encouragement and we’ve made some plans to build up and encourage our children. I wonder if there is any feedback on how you’ve found the session? Anything you have liked or found unhelpful? Anything you were uncomfortable with?

Please remember to practise and try and do something encouraging every day. Thanks. Read chapter 3 for next week.

Noughts to sixes Session 4 - Listening means paying attention

1. Icebreaker (5-10mins)
Welcome. Say name and something nice that happened to you this week.
Chinese whispers in circle. “Sip your soup slowly, if you slurp it, some of it will slip out and make a slop”.
This week’s topic is listening. As that exercise just illustrated, there is often a difference between what is said and what is heard.

2. How we got on since last week (15-30mins)
Last week was about encouragement and how to help our children become a little more responsible for themselves. Let’s chat for a few minutes (in 2/3s) about how you got on during the week. If you weren’t here last week talk about the last plans that you made and how you got on with those.

3. Getting in touch (5-10mins)
Let’s look at this week’s topic. Turn to the “getting in touch” section on page 34. Ask questions one by one.
So there are a lot of feelings going on inside that we can easily miss. Now question two, one by one.

4. Introducing the topic (10-15mins)
Show video. Before we talk, can you have a look at table 3 on page 33 and tick one or two ways of listening you’d like to use more often.
Anyone want to share or comment on video?

5. Case studies (about 10mins)
We’re going to focus now on the most difficult kind of listening to get used to, “play listening”. Explain (saying little, listening with eyes, making odd comment, paying attention when not demanded). Turn to the case studies on page 34. Read question 1 and a) this is a question. Part 2 and a) yellow spade, etc. Some comments may strike you as dull and obvious but the point is children love this attention and interest, even if they don’t show it.

6. Skills practise (20-25mins)
a) Practise poor listening
Pairs - one listen/ one speak. Sit back to back and speak for one minute about ways you like to spend your time. How did that feel? (Felt like need to turn and look as we listen) So this helps us to see how hard it is for children when we don’t look at them.
Swap roles and talk about what you did last weekend. This time the listener is to look anywhere except at the speaker. How did this feel? Can see why children switch off if they don’t receive our full attention.

b) Practise positive listening
Get into new pairs and decide who will start as listener. Talk for 2 mins about your pleasant and unpleasant memories of primary school - the building, the teachers, your friends or how you felt, anything. The other person listens, saying very little. You can nod your head, encourage with your face, say mmm, uh-huh, I know. Then the listener is to sum up to the speaker what they have just said, including any feelings that have been conveyed, but not necessarily spoken. The listener is to check that they have understood correctly and the speaker and clarify if necessary.
Reverse roles. How did it feel? What did you learn?

As a group. Was it difficult? What helped you to talk? How did you know you were being listened to? How did the summing up make you feel? Marriage counsellors suggest this method to help couples listen to each other more effectively!

7. Planning (7-8mins)
Read section and write down plans. Talk about them.

8. Summing up and feedback (5-10mins)
We’ve been looking at different ways of listening. Not just ears but with touch, silence, our eyes, a word or two and above all our attention. We’ve seen this is especially helpful when children are upset and need to cry and when they’re not looking for attention. Any feedback on how you’ve found the session?
Thanks. Read chapter 4 for next week.

Noughts to sixes Session 5 - Talking with your child

1. Icebreaker (5-10mins)
Welcome. “my name is …. and one thing I’d like my child to learn from me is …” No need to explain why.
This week - how we talk with our children and how we can be models for them.

2. How we got on since last week (15-30mins)
Last week was about listening to our children. Let’s chat for a few minutes (in 2/3s) about how we got on. If you weren’t here last week talk about the last plans that you made and how you got on with those. Large group - did anyone try play listening? allow a child to cry?

3. Getting in touch (5mins)
Let’s get into pairs and look at this week’s topic. Turn to the “getting in touch” section on page 41. Take a few mins to go through the exercise together.
Obviously we need to give instructions/ corrections etc. But something is wrong if most of what we say is one of these.

4. Introducing the topic (10-20mins)
Show video. Summarise it. Before we talk, can you have a look at table 4 on page 40. Read instructions. Most people find it harder to identify positive things that they say to their children, even though they are positive a lot of the time. In 3s, chat for 5 minutes about your reaction to the video and the table you’ve just marked.

5. Case studies (about 10mins)
Page 41. Read Q1 and obtain answers. Now in 2/3s have a quick look at Q2. Read Q2. The first two are done, but you can chat and feel free to disagree with them if you want to. Back as large group to discuss.

6. Skills practise (20-25mins)
a. Now we come to skills practise, so to start, let’s practise speaking respectfully. Let’s look at the second example in the case studies. You might say “I’ve spent a lot of time preparing dinner and it makes me mad when you don’t come”. Ask someone to say this aggressively and snapping. Ask someone else to say it calmly and respectfully. Can you hear the differences? Any comments?

b. Now, in 2/3s, talk about one situation with your child where you tend to scold or speak aggressively. Allow a few minutes. Sometimes it’s a matter of discipline, which we will cover next week, but even then we can speak respectfully. Now in your 2/3s discuss how you might be more respectful. Open out to whole group. Role play using a real example and someone playing the child. Ask people in role play and observers how they felt. Ask group for ideas to handle problem and ask to act out. Feedback - anything you noticed or learned?

7. Planning (7-8mins)
Read section and write down plans. Talk about them, first in pairs.

8. Summing up and feedback (5-10mins)
We’ve been looking at how we talk with our children, what’s helpful and what isn’t. Any feedback on how you found the session? What you liked or found helpful or anything you were uncomfortable with?
Thanks. Read chapter 5 (discipline) for next week.

Noughts to sixes Session 6 - Discipline

1. Icebreaker (5mins)
Welcome. Act out something (eg digging a hole) and say “I am playing a guitar”. Next person has to act playing a guitar and tell another lie, etc. This shows us that actions speak louder than words.

2. How we got on since last week (15-30mins)
Last week was about how we speak with our children and we made some plans. Let’s chat for a few minutes (in 2/3s) about how we got on and what’s been happening during the week.
If you weren’t here last week talk about the last plans that you made and how you got on with those. Large group - did anyone try using I-messages? how about anything else we’ve covered over the last few weeks?

3. Getting in touch (5mins)
Let’s look at this week’s topic, discipline. Turn to table 5 on page 48. Do any of the examples in the first column remind you of a situation you need to deal with? Feedback.
So now that we’ve seen examples of situations that need clearer limits, let’s have a look at this week’s topic.

4. Introducing the topic (10-15mins)
Show video. Chat about reaction to the video in pairs. Whole group.
Summary: choices and consequences. Note that consequences are just explained ONCE.

5. Case studies (about 10mins)
In small groups, take about 10 mins to look at the Case Studies on page 49, taking one question at a time.
Leave full group feedback until skills practise.

6. Skills practise (20-25mins)
a. Now we come to skills practise, so to start, let’s practise setting limits. Please form pairs. Take the situations in Case Studies questions 1 and 2. In each pair, one of you is to be the parent and is going to offer a choice. The other person is to tell you if your tone of voice and body language is coming across as respectful or aggressive. Feedback.
b. We’ve just been talking about situations where each of you needs to set limits by offering a choice. Has anyone got a real situation they would like to share? Ask Qs to explore what child/parent says/does. Ask this person to act as their child and another parent to act as the parent, based on what they have just heard, so that we can understand it better. Ask group to brainstorm solutions. Ask parent if happy to act out solution to see how it feels. Feedback. De-role.

7. Planning (7-8mins)
Read section and write down plans. Talk about them, first in pairs.

8. Summing up and feedback (5-10mins)
We’ve been looking at setting boundaries and limits by offering choices and allowing children to live with the consequences of what they choose. Any feedback on how you found the session? What you liked or found helpful or anything you were uncomfortable with?
Thanks for your cooperation and willingness to share. Read chapter 6 (quality time) for next week.


Noughts to sixes Session 7 - Quality time
1. Icebreaker (5-10mins) Last week we looked at disciplining children. This week it is about quality time and having fun. Give out pieces of paper with different animals on. Each person has to act out their animal without making a noise. [Cat, pig, butterfly etc] 2. How we got on since last week (15-30mins) Last week was about discipline and we made some plans. Let’s chat for a few minutes (in 2/3s) about how we got on and what’s been happening during the week. If you weren’t here last week talk about the last plans that you made and how you got on with those. Large group - did anyone try using choices? consequences? Was it hard to make the consequences not sound like punishments? Anything else? 3. Getting in touch (5mins) Let’s look at this week’s topic. Turn to table 6 on page 56. This shows 5 ways to create quality time in your family. Question. Think for a minute. Feedback. 4. Introducing the topic (10-15mins) Show video. Chat about reaction to the video in pairs. Whole group. Summary: Book - 13 minutes per day. Attention and touch - 4 hugs per day. Play-listening. Child leading play - “special time” - 20 minutes per week? 5. Case studies (about 10mins) We are going to focus on “play listening” now as this isn’t something that comes naturally to most of us. There are two different situations on page 57 - I’ll read the instructions. Making a picture. Let’s see if you agree with how the comments have been marked. Playing with water. One by one. So, it is OK to make suggestions and give your opinion to your child, but can you see the value in being quieter and concentrating more on “noticing” comments?… (If not, skills practise may help)	6. Skills practise (20-25mins) a. Now we come to skills practise, so to start, let’s practise noticing what a child is doing and reflecting what we see. Volunteer for child and parent. First time, parent is to do all the things parents often do - make suggestions, “help”, ask questions, give opinions, etc. How did it feel to be child? Parent? b. Second time, parent will just quietly join in, get down to eye level and “notice” the play with an occasional comment. How did it feel to be child? Parent? Thanks. 7. Planning (7-8mins) Read section and write down plans. Talk about them, first in pairs. 8. Summing up and feedback (5-10mins) We’ve been looking at ways of building quality time into our family life - time for fun, play, affection, games, stories, etc. Any feedback on how you found the session? What you liked or found helpful or anything you were uncomfortable with? Thanks for your cooperation and willingness to share. Read the appendix (spiritual development) for next week. [Spiritual development There is an eighth optional session on developing a spiritual dimension in children and helping them to develop a sense of right and wrong. It is aimed primarily at Christians but many parents find it useful even when they are not coming from any kind of religious background.]